Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical advancement-slash-luxurious property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Yes, the man who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are talking Damascus, town historically noted for ancient culture, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It's going to be large. Great!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom phone, streamed in the putting green within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the very best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."

Welcome on the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and fully away from area. Designed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower functions:

A a few-floor Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until finally the drone flies")

Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses reported combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable water. But yes, guaranteed, let us have A further area wherever American men can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, naturally."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace try because Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While past negotiations unsuccessful below the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: offer Everybody a set over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.

In accordance with documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This really is soft electric power," claimed political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Tv set, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats and even more minibar upgrades."

Just what the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every single Trump Tower Damascus unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination mentioned, "It isn't really that Trump shouldn't open up a tower within a war zone. It's that he need to cease applying it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked concerning the challenge, replied, "You realize, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good people today. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "long term evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."

Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping varieties an enormous Trump head noticeable from Place, a aspect staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents along with the chin is… nicely, categorised.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to an area melon cart.

"It's not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing and various Complicated Options

Perhaps the strangest ingredient in the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:

A silent atrium wherever guests could contemplate obscure disappointment

A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with weather Command set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.

Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing Approach: "In case you Bomb It, They may Appear"

The ad campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:

"Peace is Short-term. Luxury is For good."

A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:

"A Tower So Major, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll carried out inside a hookah lounge displays:

34% say "it'd stabilize the world"

29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% mentioned "where's the closest elevator towards the West Lender?"

Investor Praise: "Eventually, a Crisis That Pays"

The job is presently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, such as:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level will even involve:

A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Place Based upon the Iraq War

Comment Section Chaos

Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Cannot hold out to discover a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Last but not least, a hotel where by my PTSD may have flip-down company."

A different submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Impact

U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Stories recommend:

China could open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to create a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Last Feelings within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside a closing ceremony that concerned 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed more than the speakers:

"Damascus necessary hope. It wanted gold. It essential a waterslide formed like the Constitution. I gave it all three. You're welcome."